theoldwolf: (Fortunata)
Murphy's Law in action.

Pictures like this make me realize I'm not as ungeschickt as I sometimes think I am.

theoldwolf: (Default)
Gay Prices

It only took them a minute to fix this typo, but I was all over that before they had a chance.

theoldwolf: (Default)
I need to go shopping, that's all there is to it.




(These were originally published in MAD Magazine #515, June 2012 - Writer: Scott Maiko, Artist: Scott Bricher)
theoldwolf: (Default)

The Gibson Girl was the personification of the feminine ideal of beauty portrayed by the satirical pen-and-ink illustrations of illustrator Charles Dana Gibson during a 20-year period that spanned the late nineteenth and early twentieth century in the United States.
theoldwolf: (Default)

Ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch

If you've never heard of "Droodles," you're probably a lot younger than me. The original book was published in 1953, but now the younger generation has a chance to go wild in the same vein with the Fake Unicode Consortium.

The idea: Take an unusual Unicode character, and give it a brand-new name or interpretation.

Here is one of my favorites:

Unicode character "KATAKANA LETTER NI" (U+30CB)


I've also seen it spelled "Icky-icky-icky-kapang-zoop-boing", but they have used the official designation found on the "script" subtitles of the collector's edition DVD. However it's really spelled, I give them full credit for the joke.

And in case you're wondering what that monstrous 64-stroke character really is, in Mandarin it's pronounced "zhé" and means "verbose;" this character fell from use around the 5th century, however. It is composed of the character 龍 (dragon) written four times. In Japanese its an uncommon ("Hyōgai", meaning outside of the normal kanji charts) character pronounced "techi" or "tetsu", but no meaning is given.
theoldwolf: (Default)
From: Ann Syme <>
Subject: Need Your Assistance

I am Mr. Tan Wong director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I am seeking your assistance in transfering the sum of Twenty Four millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollar ($24,500,000,00). For more details please contact me via my confidential email(

Dr Raymond CH’IEN Kuo Fung
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Wanted to post this yesterday in honor of St. Paddy's day but didn't get permission until later in the day. Encountered this delightful bit of creative writing from a friend of mine, and it always makes me smile. So here, for your gratuitous reading pleasure, is an account of an intriguing discovery. Original post here.

Archaeological Find

In the County of Meath in Eastern Ireland lies the Boyne Valley. An area that has fascinated scholars and archaeologists for centuries. There you find Brú na Bóinne, the Palace of Boyne. There you find Dowth, Newgrange and Knowth; Dozens of burial tunnels criss-cross the area. They were built about 3200BC making them older than the Pyramids or Stonehenge.

Richard Watkins of Stanford University was part of a team that was investigating Tunnel 22 that runs north-south through Newgrange. About 122 metres down the tunnel, he discovered what appeared to be an ancient cave-in. After 3 days careful work, Watkins and his team discovered that the rocks concealed the entrance to a roughly circular chamber about four metres in diameter.

There were clear signs that this was not a burial chamber but had been inhabited at one time. There were the remains of a fire below a gap in the ceiling that was once, presumably, a primitive chimney and source of light. There were the tattered rags that may have been bedding or clothing and some artefacts (one of which was a knife dated about the eighth century AD).

An examination of the chamber provided evidence that the occupant was connected with a monastery near Drogheda on the River Mattock that pre-dated Mellifont Abbey built on the same site by some 200 years. Records discovered at the abbey site indicated a monk called Muireadhach was entrusted with a “Pagan relic so foul it must be forever banished from the world of the living.”

This reference led Watkins to re-examine the chamber, whereupon he found a hiding place cunningly carved into the chamber wall and hidden behind a close-fitting stone. There was a solid mass about one metre by one metre by 0.5 metre behind the stone, and great care had to be taken in order not to cause any undue damage.

The mass was packaged up and sent to Truro University where Professor John Dean led the team that was to analyse and preserve the find.

It was discovered that the outer part of the mass consisted of about five goat skins; each had to be removed separately. Within was an ancient book. The cover was made of wood and fastened with metal clasps. The pages were fastened to the covers with cords that had only survived because of the protection of the goatskins and the atmosphere of the cavern.

At last, the team could see the first few pages of the book. They contained drawings, now faded, but were once rich in colour. Alongside these drawings were the spidery writings of the scribe in an ancient version of Gaelic (it pre-dated the use of Roman letters).

The search was on for someone who could translate the book. That search ended in Adelaide, Australia with Bryan Tewkes. Tewkes had done extensive research on Pre-Roman Civilisations of the British Isles. It was he that finally identified the book that had filled the ancient monks with so much horror:

“Irish Dancing Part 2: The Hand & Arm Movements”
theoldwolf: (Jedi Hand Wave)

Cross-posted to Wordpress 1/25/2015

These two stories must be read with an Italian accent. More than that, they must be read as though they were written in Italian, and you'll have an Italian-American accent nailed.

Disse libretto ise for dose iu laiche to follow di spiccher uail ise spicche


Uans appana taim uas tre berrese. Mamma berre. Papa berre. E beibe berre. Live inne contri nire forresta. Naise ause. No mogheggia.

Uanne dei pappa, mamma e beibe go bice. Oreie. A furghette locche di door. Bai enne bai commese goldilocchese. Sci garra nattinghe tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puschie olla fudde daon di maute, no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse inne olle beddse. Leise slobbe.

Bae enne bai commese omme di tre berrese olle sonnebrone ennesend inne scius. Dei garra no fudde, de garra no beddse. En uarra dei goine du tu goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inna strit? Colle polissemenne? Fette cienze.

Dei uas italien berres, enne dei slippe onna floore. Goldilocchese sti derre tre uicase. Itte aute ausenomme. En guiste bicose dei esche erre tu meiche di beddse, sci sei, "go cheise iusef," enne ronne omme craine tu erre mama, tellenrre uat sannimagonnis di tre berrese uer. Uatiuse? Uara goine du? Go complaine sittiolle?


Uana apanne taim uasa boi neime Giecche. Uorche anna fam - plente, plao, milche cause, fidde cicchense--itse toff laif. Uan dei ise mamma ghiveme binne in tellime: Plente binne enne ghette binnestocche. Datsa giusta uarri didde en sanemagogna, iffe binnestocche no gro uppe uan, tu, tri --- fette laiche faire aidrent en itse gadde inoffe binnese tu fidde Bostone tuenti irs. Itte gro aire den olle claudese--iu nevve sin saccie bigghe binnestocche inna u laif. Una ting ua muste no issa data pipple inne Bossatun livva onna binnes anna pipple una longa aylumda livva ona da sahound.

Giecche go picchene, picchene, picchene, aire enne aire, tille pesse di claudese en i si a chesele bilonghe tu giaiant u uonse biutiful uaite gus. Alle taim disse giaiant ise singhene: Fi, Fai, Fo, Fomme, Ai smelle blodde Inglescemen (Itse only songhe i no). Batte Giecche isa Merdicane, so i don gara uorri. Uen giaiant folle slippe, snoren laiche Vesuvio, Giecche grebbe di uaite gus enne ranne laiche eche. I ghetto omme seif a saond enn i sei tu ise papa: lucche me, i seise, lucche uar ai gatte; Gudde, seise pappa, ui gonne ev ardboil egghese for breghefeste. Neggheste dei mamma boilse egghese, en uara iu tinche? Dei uas goldene egghese, enne pappa brecche ise folse titte.

"Mannaggie l'America, i seise, demme titte coste me seveni-faive dollari." Enne i ghive Giecche di bittinghe ove ise laif - i bitte im blecche n blu.

Di morrale ove disse storri ise: Iu gara inoffe trombole in iur onne beccheiard; uara iu gara go lucchen arande for morre?

Storris enne pommese fram Mamma Gus.
Including Pommese, Lille Redde Raiden Udde, Giecche enne binnestocche, Di tri berrese, and Di aggheli dagghelinghe.
© Richard Irpinio Bimonte; Ic 12May48
theoldwolf: (Default)

(Newser)Peculiar, unexplained stone carvings created thousands of years ago and recently unearthed in Jerusalem are baffling archaeologists, reports AP. Israeli excavators discovered them in the floor of a newly discovered room under the oldest section of the city. The three mysterious "V" shapes are about 2 inches deep and 20 inches long.

"The markings are very strange, and very intriguing. I've never seen anything like them," says one of the dig's directors. The symbols were made at least 2,800 years ago. A few ideas being pondered by the dig's archaelogists: They were part of some ritual or maybe just supported a long-gone wooden structure.

Huh. Seems pretty obvious to me.

Now we just need to figure out how they did it...
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Posted without further comment. Draw your own conclusions.

Keep clicking the image for full resolution.
theoldwolf: (Crazy)
OK, so I can't draw worth tuppence, but sometimes the only way for me to get an idea out of my head is to get it down on paper. So here's my take on how Hákarl (shark þorramatur) was invented (click the image for a larger version):

theoldwolf: (No Damn Given)
theoldwolf: (Suck my Balls)
From: Mr. Anthony Watson
To: [email redacted]
Subject: in good faith...

Dear Beneficiary,

I am Mr. Anthony Watson Manager of Claims Department with a bank here in London, United Kingdom. I wish to notify you that you are clear to claim the total sum of Twenty Million Five Hundred thousand British pounds in the codicil and last testament of a deceased costumer (Name now withheld for security reasons).

Kindly Contact me for more details via my private e-mail address: or

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Anthony Watson

I had no idea that costume design was such a lucrative profession... By the sacred skull of Mogg's grandmother, if I were given the option I'd pull the lever that sends these slimy drones to Hell in a heartbeat.
theoldwolf: (Default)
Old but good. For those who may not have seen it.

"Take Your Test" by Jason Knight
To be sung to the tune of to the tune of "Be Our Guest" from Walt Disney's "Beauty and the beast," Music by Alan Menken, original lyrics by Howard Ashman

Abbreviation glossary:
P: Professors
S1, S2, S3: Distinct students
S: Students in unison
TA: Teaching assistant

P: Mes chèrs tuition payers, it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents your final!

P: Take your test
Take your test
Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
Summer's just around the corner now
We love this time the best
Physics laws
English lit.
Why, you'll never want to quit
What's the formula for vinyl?
Don't you love to take a final!
Classic film
Modern dance
All the kings and queens of France
You'll be writing with such energy and zest
Go on and take some blue books
You'll at least need two books
Take your test
Fake your test
Take your test

World War I
World War II
You'll be chugging Mountain Dew
As you scram back home to cram
And stay awake the whole night through
If you're here
And you're scared
Then you're prob'ly unprepared
Don't tell me about your party
You should study, Mr. Smarty
Distant stars
Shakespeare's plays
Let us run you through our maze

S1: Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?

P: Don't question our regime
How could you dare blaspheme?
Now take your test
(You've B.S.ed,
But you'd rather say you've "guessed")
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test

Life's all smiles and smirking
For a student who's not working
It's a gas without a class to load him down
Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
While he's been busy learning
Curiosity's been burning
What's it like to have a minute to himself?
He won't know 'til after graduation
They came here so lazy
Now we're driving them all crazy!

S1: It's a test!
S2: It's a test
S3: This can't be! I still need rest!

P: You want sleep, you little creep?
That's very good. That's quite a jest
Ancient worlds
Complex math
And we won't withhold our wrath
Yes, we'll give you quite a beating
If we catch you while you're cheating
Chinese art
Civil E.

S3: Help me please! I'm having cardiac arrest!

S1: Somebody check his heart!

P: Then label every part!
It's on your test
S: That's our test?
P: That's your test
S: What a pest!

TA: Here's a test
There's a test
I'm so very much depressed
Have to grade each one of these in just a day
And I'm hard pressed!
Why our "quarters" come in threes
While the deadline still is looming
I'll keep grading
I'll keep fuming

P: Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"
Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed
We've done our best to pester
See you next semester!
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Now, take your test

©1996 by Jason Knight. This work may be freely distributed in its unmodified form. Comments welcome.
theoldwolf: (Jedi Hand Wave)
Cross-posted to WordPress on 12-30-2014

Despite the fact that it has been widely copied and published on the net as an actual conversation from a hotel in Asia, and purportedly published in the Far East Economic Review, the dialogue below never actually took place in any hotel anywhere in the world. It is an intentionally composed humorous fiction and is entirely the creation of Shelley Berman, written as a chapter in his book, published as A HOTEL IS A PLACE, A HOTEL IS A FUNNY PLACE, and A HOTEL IS A VERY FUNNY PLACE, by Price/Stern/Sloan Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1972, 1985. Any claim to the contrary is utterly baseless and erroneous. I post it here not only because it's very funny, but because the true attribution (and the correct version) deserves more widespread exposure.

(Reading hints: You are on the phone. The other party is also in the hotel.)

Morny, rune sore-bees.

Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

Rye. Rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?

Yes, order something. This is room thirteen-oh-five. I want...

Okay, torino-fie. Yes plea?

I'd like some bacon and eggs.

Ow July then?


Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?

Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please.

Ow July thee baycome? Crease?

Crisp will be fine.

Okay. An Santos?


Santos. July Santos?

Uh...I don't know...I don't think so.

No? Judo one toes?

Look. I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one-toes means. I'm sorry...

Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eenlish mopping we bother?

English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

We bother?

No. Just put the bother on the side.


I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.


I feel terrible about this but...

Copy. Copy, tea, mill...

Coffee!! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle-aches, crease baycome, tossy eenlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Tenjewberrymud.

You're welcome.
theoldwolf: (Default)
Here are two links to some erudite, scientific papers I have published with two of my colleagues. They make fascinating reading.

"Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games Considered Harmful"
Furui Okami, Christopher Auldwuff and Criostiór Seanfaoilchú

"The Influence of Collaborative Configurations on Multimodal Artificial Intelligence"
Criostiór Seanfaoilchú, Furui Okami and Christopher Auldwuff

(Both were written with the help of SCIgen, an automatic CS paper generator). Delightful stuff.

theoldwolf: (Default)

And please don't bring coupons for totally unrelated products, either.
theoldwolf: (Default)
I can't embed this flash vid in LJ, so here's a link to the Australia I know and love...
theoldwolf: (Default)
At last, I can get the money that is coming to me.

(Emphasis mine)

From: Emmanuel Sam <>
Subject: The truth. Form and ID attached.

My Dear,

The honest truth and reason why you have not received a dime from Nigeria or elsewhere over the years is that your country's central bank and your bank regulations do not allow or approve of a single wire transfer over $500,000.00 to your account.

We had in the past on resumption of duties wired your funds but all returned undelivered for this reason.

You can verify from your bank.

As you already know, the federal government approved your funds under indivisible guarantee bond to forestall any move by unscrupulous element in our banking sector to divert some part(s) of your funds. There is no way you can get your funds unless your fund is documented and approved to be divided into $500,000 single wire transfer each.

I don't care what anybody tells you. They are just after what they can extort from you.

Now, the only solution to this protracted debacle is to undo the indivisible quagmire through legal means and as such, an accredited attorney from the legal department of the Central bank of Nigeria will perfect a release order of a single payment of US$500,000 each which would wire transfer to your account without any problem.

You will no longer need all the clearance paperwork or any kind of unending bureaucratic bottlenecks as $500,000 wire transfer does not attract any penalty or demand for terrorism clearance in international banking operation.

The lawyer will only get $150 from you for this services and nothing else.

Meanwhile, complete attached form.


Emmanuel Sam
Director, Special duties,
Foreign Operations Department
Federal Ministry of Finance
Phone: +234 805 456 8278

The sad part is that people are still falling for this nonsense. They must be, or the Lads from Lagos wouldn't bother sending out this hqiz...


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April 2017



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